WHO INVENTED THOSE?!
I’ve had a lot of influences looking in on my diabetes over the years—I can liken it to political party races in some light—some folks have been staunchly liberal in the idea that I can do anything, eat what I want and just be safe and pay attention. Others have been nagging and conservative, quietly saying things at parties like, Ummm can we find something else for Carrie to eat? while someone hauls out an amazing looking chocolate mousse cake with piles of berries and spun sugar all in the shape of the French Rivera… And like an addict I do have a fascination with abusing sugar. I rarely forego the dessert. I don't overdo it, but I can't not have any...unless it’s something awful like marzipan. Then diabetes is a great crutch to get out of having any. Otherwise I crave sweets. I want them most of the time--and not even elegant things like cheesecake or merengue--I'll jump the fence for some jelly beans.
Lately I have been observing budding teenagers all around as my boyfriend's daughter prepares for high school and has roughly two hundred friends over every other evening. These girls drink ripping sweet Italian sodas. Like 40 ounces at a time. These girls eat candy. These girls eat candy like nothing I've ever seen. They tear through Halloween family-size bags of all kinds of crap within a matter of hours and I start obsessing about how unfair it is that their insides are processing it all normally. Pixie sticks?! Yes please!
It's such a simple balance that we keep, but so constant and unrelenting. Watching these girls go overboard on sweet tarts and taffy (yum and also yum) I remembered myself back in high school and the beginning of college when I was definitely at my worst in terms of taking care of myself--I used to eat candy and throw back jugs of juice with the completely back-ass thought of challenging God almost. Basically daring a spiritual force to talk me out of it. It never happened, but I never felt all that great either. Having grown up somewhat, I do see that, oh yeah, INTELLIGENCE and RESPONSIBILITY and a SENSE OF SELF WORTH are all a part of the magic of beating your chronic affliction...if you are brave and awesome and all that.
I still do want to be brave and awesome, though every now and then, lately especially, I keep hankering to do some real damage and drink a Mountain Dew that has a bag of gummy worms marinating in it. The fact that I know the outcome of this scenario is much like the lessons one learns from AA, I guess. One day at a time. Don't do it, sister. Just shrug it off and keep on keepin on.
ok, ok.
